The above is a quote from Adam Savage of Mythbusters…one of my favorite shows…and it rings very true.

I’ve been struggling with this decision for awhile….whether to include this post or not. I try to keep this blog mostly light-hearted and fun, but I decided this post is NECESSARY.

Why? What’s the post about you ask? 

Failure.

We are our own worst enemy….at least I am. I feel it’s important to discuss failures as well as triumphs. Failing is one of my biggest fears believe it or not. It makes being an introvert THAT much harder. It makes it that much harder to do anything really…

You might have noticed there is little to NO talk about weightloss lately. I have failed…am failing. Does that mean I’m done? No. 

But, I have no motivation and I’m finding it very hard to love myself first lately. Which makes the effort of losing weight infinitely harder. 

I’m always the first one to think I’m a loser, to think I don’t deserve something, to feel I’m overall just not good enough. I’ve gotten better with it as I get older, but older also means differing perspectives which are not always sunnier. 

Weight loss is hard. Changing habits is even harder. I do really well, and then I don’t (hello captain obvious!). It’s broken. I just quit….I never have a good enough reason. I think I just get tired of trying so hard. Trying to eat right, trying to work out. They say 21 days makes it a habit…I don’t think that’s entirely true. It’s always around 6 months for me: the quitting. It should be habit by then…but I’m just done. I miss crappy food, I don’t have an outlet for my emotions (I’m an emotional eater if you hadn’t figured out), and I’m not good at sticking with things……. EVER.

I don’t want you all to see me and think whoa…losing weight is easy for her. I want you to see it’s hard… it’s emotional…. and sometimes… it breaks me. 

Sometimes I turn into the debbie downer where I hate myself because I’m fat, which makes me eat, which makes me fatter, which makes my clothes not fit, which makes me hate myself even more. 

VICIOUS.

CYCLE.

Depressing you yet?

This post is NOT to be a debbie downer…

It’s not for sympathy…

It’s to show you what happens when I go to the dark and twisty place in my brain. I think everyone has some deep dark place they go sometimes and that crawling out of that place is a long process. While it’s easier for some than others, that doesn’t mean it’s still not an awful, annoying, a$$-kicking thing. 

I sound like a broken record. Falling off the wagon. But this is life right? Why do we fall? So we can learn. That’s not to say everyone doesn’t have those days that are hard to pick yourself up. 

Right now my clothes don’t fit, I’m eating all the time, and that means I generally feel pretty crappy about myself. 

How do I fix it? 

You’re guess is as good as mine. When you find out let me know. 

My weightloss journey is far from over. Failing is part of the journey we need to accept (Yep, again…if you figure out how to do this clue a girl in over here!). For now I’m stuck in a never-ending tunnel of junk food, soda, and self-loathing. But, I got my climbing shoes on and want to climb out of this hole and brush myself off. When that happens….you all will be the first to know ;).